Mis à jour : 1 sept. 2020
I have been supporting clients from all over the world for almost 20 years as a Systemic and Relationship coach and I have noticed that about one in three clients suffers from a problem of place in their life manifested by different disorders ranging from an inability to create a couple, through a lack of self-confidence preventing them from taking their's place professionally, and this without talking about more serious symptoms such as bipolarity, deep depression, the urge to suicide and schizophrenia.
These symptoms, generally recalcitrant to any therapy, signal that at least one of the 3 universal laws which govern the systems and which we will discuss later, has not been respected. Indeed, the simple fact of ignoring one of its laws can impact several generations.
In this article, I will show you that there is a way out for a large part of people who suffer from not having their place, who feel excluded, rejected, forgotten, abandoned by their loved ones, or who feel victimized from some injustice within their family. The Family Constellations approach that I use in Systemic and Relationship Coaching allows these people to find a good place within their family which helps them regain self-confidence and inner balance. With this safe and soft process, they can free themselves from any blockage that prevents them to bond with a partner and create a couple, a family and a successful life.
About the Good Place and the fundamental injuries.
Not having a place in your family can be the cause of one or more of the injuries described by Lise Bourbeau in her book “The 5 injuries that prevent being yourself”.
The feeling of injustice, rejection and even abandonment echoes this place that we were entitled to receive in our conception and which was refused to us for various reasons.
In the systemic approach of Family Constellations according to Bert Hellinger, one of the key points is to allow clients to find “A Good Place” in their family of origin. The simple fact of finding this Good Place frees the person and gives her the feeling of being at the right time, with the right person, in the right place doing the right thing. This feeling of being aligned and in balance is really pleasant and allows to regain all the energy and the power to flourish in life.
We have to say it!
Even though today we are talking about an increase in plural, homoparental, blended, broken up families, it is good to remember that families have never been perfect. Remarriages, natural children, abortions, miscarriages have always existed since the dawn of time. As a reminder, when women were dying in childbirth, fathers used to remarry to have a wife who would help them raise their children they had with their previous deceased wives. It was at the origin of stepmother archetype
There were also children raised by nannies who were sometimes slaves in countries like the southern United States or Latin America, and who forged additional bonds with foster brothers and sisters.
When we arrive on Earth, we automatically receive a place.
As you probably know, it is impossible to take a plane without having a Boarding Pass with a seat number assigned to us. I say impossible! A plane will never take off if someone has to stand in the hallway or on someone else's lap.
And it's the same in life, we are given a place from our conception and we keep it until we die. This place cannot be traded, it is ours whether we occupy it or not!
Sometimes there are anomalies.
As in the plane, when it takes off, it is possible to swap places with someone else or to take the place of someone who missed their plane. This is what happens in our families. Sometimes we put ourselves in the place of a deceased who has been forgotten, ignored, or hidden. For example, a lost twin, someone excluded from our family, or an abortion that was hidden because it was forbidden.
There are also the stowaways. Yes, it happens that security doesn’t do its job well and someone manages to pass by being invisible among passengers or hide in the toilet of the plane or manage to sit in an unoccupied seat.
In our families, we also have our stowaways like someone killed by one of our ancestors
All of these situations create confusion and are at the origin of this feeling of not being in one's place, of being a usurper, or of not being legitimate. An obvious effect is during inheritance, where suddenly we discover hidden natural children or the deceased disinherits one of his descendants who turns out not to be his child.
The 3 universal laws that govern families.
For a family to be healthy, it must respect the 3 universal laws that govern all human systems and which are:
1. The law of belonging
2. The law of order
3. The law of balance between giving and receiving
Failure to comply with at least one of these laws will create systemic "diseases" that will be passed on from generation to generation to the point that descendants will show symptoms related to stories no one remembers.
I noticed that people with schizophrenia had terrible stories many generations before.
A few years ago I had an English client who had a father of African descent (he was born in Africa) and a mother of Afro-South American descent whose great-grandfather was a Dutchman who had had a child with his slave. After some research, we discovered that this great-grandmother was descended from a person who had been kidnapped by a member of her family and who came from the same region as my client's father.
It should be known that every human being is loyal both to his paternal family and to his maternal family. It's natural. We are all loyal children. But how can you be loyal to an ancestor who sold his sister or brother to gain status, an inheritance, or whatever? How can you be loyal to an ancestor who killed members of his family like the slave master who mistreated and even killed the mother of the woman with whom he had children?
This example is a bit extreme, but real, and there are many like this especially if you go to the West Indies and countries where slavery was practised. My client is also real and suffers from schizophrenia.
This example should help you understand the terrible impact of not complying with these three systemic laws which we will explore further below.
The law of belonging.
Everyone has the right to belong to the system that created it. Thus from our conception, we receive a place within our siblings and therefore in our family. If our family forgets us, rejects us, excludes us, there will automatically be descendants who will unconsciously seek to repair this oblivion, which will distance them from themselves.
The law of order.
Bert Hellinger says that for love to flow from ancestors to descendants, everyone has to be in their place. So when we are born a place is attributed to us and this place is precise. If I am the oldest of my siblings, I come before my brothers and sisters who come after me. Being the eldest is also a role of an elder in relation to those who follow me. I will have a protective role in relation to them as a sister, which does not mean that I replace my parents.
Sometimes there can be multiple orders. For example, I can be the oldest child living on my father's side, and be the third of all the children on my mother's side when I would be, following the death of my older sister, the second of the living children of my mother. You see how it can become more complex and, at the same time, it remains simple.
The law of balance between giving and receiving.
This law is very important in systems like the other two laws and it calls for respecting the Law of the Order.
So parents give to children who will give to their own children.
Children cannot be the parents of their parents, this situation involves giving parental love to one's parents.
Also, children cannot be a couple with the parent of the opposite sex. The girl cannot stand next to her father as if she were his mate. This happens much more often than you might think and means that the child cannot establish a relationship even if there is no obvious incestuous relationship with the father or the mother.
The Family Constellation Process.
This process can be done either individually or within a group. The foundations of these two ways of proceeding are the same. It is always the three systemic laws that are applied. The difference will be depending on whether you receive your constellation individually or with the support of a group.
When you receive your “Constellation” in a group, the participants will represent, under the direction of the facilitator, the members of your family, while individually, you must visit and feel the different members represented by papers placed on the floor. It's like putting on other family members' shoes and feeling what it feels like to be a representative of your brother, sister, grandfather, or mom.
The simple fact of exploring these different places will open your heart and create a change in perception of your place in your family system. It will allow you to resume your true place you received at your conception.
You should know that this process is very smooth while being very powerful and it is why it is so important to choose a facilitator who does not seek any result, or a happy ending, or nothing at all.
The facilitator's role is to be the guardian of the space called “Knowing Field”, to take care of the client so that everything goes well and to trust the process without any expectations.
If this article calls you and you would like to have a session with Orianne Corman, please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org