From autonomy to happy couple

Mis à jour : 31 août 2020

While our inner nature prompts us to create a couple, many of us realise that this does not necessarily come naturally.

For more than half a century, hundreds of fantastic tools havebeen createdto communicate with respect for self and others. The evolution of mentalities has favoured equality between men and women which has had a profound impact on couples offering them the possibility of living together for love and no longer for survival, and despite all this, the harmonious couple remains a challenge for many of us.

Maybe like those people who have dedicated their lives to working on them and healing emotional wounds, you may still find it difficult to be fully you, living in couple, or quite simply to meet the person who suits you and to whom you suit.

After all effort, money and time you have invested in becoming a better person, independent, autonomous and happy, you are probably wondering, how is it that it is always so difficult to be happy in a couple?

As far as I am concerned, I was finally able, almost 10 years ago, to meet this man with whom I live with respect and love on a daily basis. This meeting is the result of the “7 secrets to creating a happy couple”.

After living 4 couples who had each time started with passion, I discovered despite myself that love was not enough to create a healthy and harmonious relationship. Like many people, I had staked it all on the transforming power of love and the belief that when you find your soul mate, you can create anything good and fair.

I have devoted half of my life to looking for what prevents us from living peacefully together on a daily basis, and I have found these next 5 keys :

1. We are a system unto itself.

We have several dimensions within ourself, such as our physical body, our emotional body, our mental body and our spiritual or metaphysical body. All of these parts of us create an inner ecosystem where each element interacts with the others.

It happens that our different bodies keep secretly silent wounds, among other things, linked to traumas experienced since our conception or inherited from our ancestors, and on which we have created our identity.

2. We may not be who we believe we are.

Since our conception, we have built our identity based on feedback received from our parents, our families and those on whom we depend in one way or another.

As you probably know, we learned to adapt ourselves to what was expected of us because we had a deep fear of being abandoned, forgotten, or neglected. Our survival system forced us to accept playing the role our family system expected of us, and we created our identity based on these expectations.

We have become experts in some specific qualities our parents used to appreciate, and we learned to forget who we were.

When we enter into a relationship, we replay this scenario learned from our birth, and we find ourselves trapped by automatisms recorded in our cellular memory.


3. Our society is deeply romantic no matter what

Romanticism, a literary and philosophical movement, profoundly influenced Western society as early as the 19th century and our way of relating as individuals.

For centuries, the function of marriage was to provide basic security. The birth of Romanticism, whose ideology is individualistic, encouraged Westerners to develop their inner freedom. This profound paradigm shift has had an impact on the way we view a couple, love and marriage. It was at this point that love's marriage began to take precedence over marriages of convenience.

Romanticism reached its peak with the New Age, and the couple's purpose becomes more spiritual. Love was no longer enough. This is how more and more people are looking for their soul mate or their twin flame (it is a soul that has split in two at the time of incarnation) with all the associated projections.

The challenge will be to be able to free ourselves from any projection and expectation that we may have in relation to the other in order to be able to meet him/her in his/her otherness.

4. The couple should not be therapeutic.

A few years ago, I learnt from a great friend who was struggling in a passionate and destructive relationship, that the major mistake of people who do “personal development” is wanting to be the therapist of their spouse or of their partner or putting the partner in a therapist position.

The vocation of a couple is not to heal our wounds and traumas even if it can happen spontaneously.

Jacqueline Kelen says in her book “Happiness”: “The meaning of friendship is to love the other for him/herself, without wanting to change or own him/her. This bond of affinity between two individuals is based on equal sharing and respect for each; there is no power, no bondage and no search for fusion ”.

When we can be, in our marriage, friends for each other by being who we are, perfectly imperfects, and without expecting the other to change, then joy can manifest itself as well as the pleasure of being together.


5. Above all, we belong to our family of origin.

As I said in point 1, we are an ecosystem, and we belong, like it or not, to a family which is also a system.

With nearly 20 years of experience as a Facilitator in Family Constellations, and have been able to support clients from different cultures and different religions, I have, each time observed the impact of not being at our Good Place in our family system onto the couple.

Just by being taller than your parents, being too close to your opposite-sex parent, carrying burdens that don't belong to you, or being loyal to those excluded from your system can create confusion and have effects on your couple.

Although there are only two of you in your relationship, it is not easy to see that there are many more of you involved in your couple. There are sometimes your parents, your exes, the deceased who did not understand that they were dead, and those you couldn't grief because they left too quickly, without forgetting in some cases, your ex-fiancés or former lovers, the lost twin, maybe abortions, miscarriages, and some members excluded from your family. You will agree with me that it is a lot of people.

How Family Constellations process can help to attract the right partner?

The very gentle and very powerful process of Family Constellations allows you to regain your Goog Place within your family system which frees you from any blockages that prevent you from attracting the right person to create the relationship you deserve. It will also make you possible to no longer confuse your spouse with a lost twin, or wanting to repair an injustice committed by one of your ancestors by using your partner.

In conclusion, the couple is, in my opinion, a superb spiritual path inviting us to align ourselves, to be fully ourselves, and to share the joy of being together.

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