Mis à jour : 22 oct. 2020
As a Family Constellation practitioner, I find it magical to be able to sit between my mother and my son with my granddaughter on my lap.
And the most extraordinary is that, at the end of the year 2018, we were able to spend three weeks, together to take care of each other, to talk to each other and to reconnect, freed from resentments, anger, blame, guilt and expectations that plagued our relationship.
However, it was not always like this!
In our family, it was not okay at all. We can even say that we were a perfectly dysfunctional family with a father who was 34 years older than my mother, and two brothers, including a "half-brother" on the father's side who was 7 years older than me and a little brother, six years younger. When I was 5 years old, my father found that his son didn't fit to his expectations he was entitled to have with regard to his heir. So he decided to "get rid" of him (he had already been abandoned by his biological mother at birth), by entrusting him to the famous DDASS (the French Departmental Directorate of Health and Social Affairs) which became complicit in the ill-treatment inflicted on a child under 12 years.
My father knew how to take this opportunity to warn me that the same fate was in store for me if I did not go straight as he was wanting. I had to hold on tight if I wanted to stay with them. From that day forward, the fear of being abandoned, if I did not do everything they wanted, registered in me. My mother by not having said anything (she was also afraid), became for me as an accomplice of my father. This situation led me to neither trust her nor him. I will spare you the melodramas of my childhood. However, you can easily imagine what a father can do or say when he is able to abandon his child.
When I reached adulthood, I experienced repetitive relationship failures with one divorce, two separations and I had four children with two fathers. Seeing very quickly that I was reproducing what my parents had done with me because it was the only reality that I knew, I tried to understand, and especially to make my parents change. As a victim, I sought reparations, waited for an apology, and never got anything. My parents were convinced they were the best parents, so what should I do?
At first, reproaches.
For years I hated my parents and Christmas parties with my mother (my father passed away when I was 14) was more of an ordeal than pleasure with very often fits of rage with, as a result, smashed doors or broken glasses (yes, I was damn violent too). For a long time, I waited from my mother a recognition, which did never come, then a mea culpa from her that she was not able to give me, and finally I was expecting that she would simply listen about all sufferings I have had because of her. The fact that my mother refused to talk about the past gave me enormous frustrations, and I believed, that if my life was sometimes a nightmare, it was simply because of my parents, their lack of love and their wickedness.
Time to surrender.
I had so much on my plate with all reproaches and expectations weighing so heavily that I suffered from back pain a good part of my life. I even managed to attract people, who told me I deserved what happened to me as a child.
The Family Constellation process has been truly liberating to me. This method completed several years of Jungian therapy and many kinesiology sessions. The gentle and respectful process allowed me to see my family differently, to accept my mother as she is, without forgetting my father. I was finally able to take my parents as they were and give up what they were unable to offer me or what I couldn't get from my mom. I also stopped blaming my parents for my failures and took responsibility for my life.
Acceptance opened my heart.
By giving up on getting what I thought was normal to receive from my parents, I was able to take care of my emotional wounds. My heart then opened, and I could see my mother as she was and not as I wanted her to be.
By accepting my mother, relations relaxed. I had nothing more to prove to be recognized by her (for years, my mother seemed to ignore me), and I had nothing more to expect from her.
Life is intelligent and sends us experiences to check if we are telling ourselves stories or if we are really honest with ourselves. Last year, I was visiting my mother and I invited her to come to my house in London to spend a week. And, unbelievably, after years of indifference or disinterest, she said yes. For the first time, she seemed interested by knowing a little bit more about me, and she told me with all her heart that she loved me. Since this day, I say that I have a new mom. But in fact, she is still the same person! I just changed my way of being and my heart opened.
Traumas pass on over generations.
During these three weeks, me and my son (2nd of my four children and very young dad) that you can see on the photo above, had the opportunity to speak more in-depth with my mother and to see how the traumas are passed down from one generation to the next.
So, I discovered that my mother was bullied throughout her childhood by her older brother to the point that she couldn't take a moment to have fun with her friends without being on the lookout. Whenever she got caught, her brother beat her or reported her to her mother, who also beat her. Of course, this had a huge impact on her life. To avoid suffering, she did not take much pleasure in her life or so secretly. This memory was transmitted to me by manifesting itself in a propensity to do everything I loved in secret for fear of being punished.
Effectivement ma mère jouait à son tour le rôle de persécuteur ce qui lui permettait, cela tout à fait inconsciemment, de remettre de l'équilibre dans sa vie. Mon fils nous a confié qu'il a aussi l'habitude de faire des choses qu'il aime en cachette des personnes qui compte pour lui pour ne pas perdre la relation (même s'il n'a jamais été puni de s'être amusé).
This observation and this honest exchange made it possible to raise awareness of survival behaviour anchored in our family (I hide myself to satisfy my basic needs and avoid suffering or rejection). By merely accepting these survival mechanisms were necessary for our ancestors to avoid pain and ensure survival, we can get rid of them and free ourselves from this unconscious hold that prevents us from being who we are.
Generations after generations...
We are living fantastic times, and while it is the end of a WORLD, another is being established. The possibility that is offered to us today to free ourselves from trans-generational memories which limit us in the expression of our full potential is truly extraordinary. And I dare to believe that this new self-awareness and transgenerational will help humanity to go through the trials to come with creativity and adaptability.
Nous sommes le résultat des expériences vécues par nos ancêtres et le monde qui nous entoure est le résultat de nos croyances et de nos projections. Au plus nous serons en paix avec nos ancêtres, au plus nous pourrons nous ouvrir à de nouvelles possibilités et à une nouvelle réalité.
If this article inspired you and you still feel anger towards your parents, rejection and disappointment. Or if you felt betrayed, abandoned, or abused by them, then the process of Family Constellations and Systemic and Relationship Coaching could support you to reconnect with your true self and your inner healer.
Feel free to write me an email and ask me for a discovery session: email@example.com